Screaming car washes, escaped monkeys, just another week in America.

Let’s take a brisk stroll through the week’s headlines, where monkeys escape and haunted car washes become a thing. Yes, this is real life. — Doug Marlowe

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Today's Stories

Haunted car washes: Now with 20% more shrieking

Somewhere between soap suds and a strobe light, haunted car washes have gone from niche gag to full-blown spooky trend. Hundreds have popped up nationwide, because why not combine horror with a wax treatment? Drivers are lining up to get jump scared by chainsaw-wielding ghouls while their undercarriages get rinsed. It’s Halloween, but make it automotive. One can only assume the ghosts charge extra for tire shine.

Three lab monkeys made a break for it after a truck flipped on a Mississippi highway, because of course they did. Authorities in full protective gear are now combing the area like it’s a Planet of the Apes sequel. The primates were reportedly en route to a research facility, though none were available for comment. Locals have been told not to approach them, as if that was plan A. Just another quiet day in American logistics.

Which one made you pause,the monkeys, the haunted sedans, or just the general state of things? I’m listening. — Doug