Raccoon Goes on Booze Bender, Mascot Goes to Jail

Raccoons with hangovers. Mascots in handcuffs. Just another day in the land of the free and the bizarre. Let’s unpack the mess. — Doug Marlowe

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Today's Stories

Drunk Raccoon Breaks Into Liquor Store, Passes Out in Bathroom. We’ve All Been There.

In Virginia, a raccoon crashed through a liquor store and helped itself to the good stuff. Top shelf only, naturally. Come morning, officers found the place reeking of spilled booze and broken dreams. The furry offender was located snoozing between a toilet and a trash can, like a tiny, hungover rock star. No word yet on whether it prefers bourbon or rye, but authorities described it as "very intoxicated," which feels generous. One can only assume it had a rough week.

In Tallahassee, a man dressed as Chuck E. Cheese was arrested for credit card fraud while on duty at the kids’ party joint. Jermell Jones, 41, was taken into custody as children watched their favorite animatronic mouse get cuffed. Authorities say he’d been using a stolen card, but didn’t specify whether pizza tokens were involved. No word yet on how this affects the band’s reunion tour. One hopes the kids at least got their cake first.

Favorites? Regrets? Existential questions? Go ahead, hit reply. We’re all processing this nonsense together. — Doug